Undefeated Boss

The darkness.

I’m writing this on one of the days when I’m feeling it the most. 

When I can’t even find the words to adequately describe what I’m feeling.

When I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to make it.

When I’m so scared, weak and defeated that tears won’t even form.

The darkness is both my noun and my verb.

My noun, because it’s my companion. The one person who’s my last resort. The one person who is not needed or wanted, but somehow is always there.  The person I’m stuck with in the desert island hypothetical, and somehow, also, my desert island.

The darkness is my home. Not the home I wanted, but the only one I have ever known. It is my one constant.

The darkness is my verb because it's the only thing I know how to do anymore.  

It has replaced the life in me, and now sustains my lifeforce as if it were blood.  The darkness keeps giving me the urge to open my veins just to release it.

It lurks, no matter how bright and illuminated my world is. It’s ever present and ready to consume my light. 

It’s the undefeated master. The last boss to beat in the level you’re never successful at. So you constantly restart the game, and get stuck at the same spot… until you’re completely depleted. 

It’s the amplified silence that echoes loneliness. It’s everywhere, and everything. 

Frightening. 

Inescapable. 

Yet no one but me sees it.

So I smile, as I always do. Pretend to be normal, and just wait. 

Because no one wins against the boss.