My Friend Ladene

I like to think of the mental hospital as a little alternate universe that sits somewhere between heaven and hell.

On my first day of being in purgatory, I thought I was still hallucinating from that valium overdose. I woke up one time to discover where I was, and just decided to fall back asleep. Ain’t no way I could be here… this is not happening to me. 

Forcing myself to sleep was easy and fast to do, given that days beforeI had OD’d on sleeping pills. Clearly there was still a great deal of that death-sleep concoction left in me.

I felt breathing on my face. I woke up to dilated pupils inside a very curious and intriguing pair of eyes. 

Yes, this shit is real, I’m in this bitch. I’m in the fucking nut house because they thought I tried to kill myself.

“What’s a beautiful girl like yuh doing in a place like dis?”

I guess that question further cemented proof that it was real, and I was, indeed, in that place. I started to tear up.  

The curious face then said to me, “Yuh must learn how to turn a negative into a positive”. 

“GET OUT LADENE!” yelled the nurse. 

And that's how I met Ladene. 

Ladene was interesting. By far the most intriguing person there.

That’s saying a lot because purgatory was the Hogwarts for intriguing people.

For the first few days I spoke to NO ONE, not even the nurses. I would follow the stupid montonous rules.

When it was recreational time, aka when the nurses sat and studied all the nut cases in their natural habitat, I would sit in a corner somewhere, if I could manage to find a seat… making sure no parts of my skin touched nuthin’ in that mo’ fucka, and just observe.

Ladene was my favorite person to observe. I would make sure no one caught me laughing or even having a reaction for that matter, but she would have me cracking up on the inside.

I would watch her discipline the other patients, cuss the nurses out, burst out in vulgar Lady Saw lyrics at the top of her lungs while grabbing her crotch and whining.

She would never hesitate to tell the nurses and doctors with her whole chest the most melodic most expressive most hurtful funniest “GUH SUCK YUH MADDA” I have ever heard in my life.

She’d intervene in conflicts to try to resolve them but always ended up getting the shitty end of the stick. She stayed getting in trouble, to which she’d be hauled away in tears by the blue shirt men. We hated them. 

She’d get the ‘injection’. She would resurface days later with her physical energy less than usual, sit on her chair in the sun that no one else was allowed to sit on, take little interval naps drooling on herself as a result of the intense injections, between which she’d find something to yell at, much to my amusement. 

That day she caught me laughing. I couldn't hold it in.

She yelled at an elderly woman, her pants falling to her ankles as she tried to get up to walk, simultaneously spewing gibberish (she never said anything that made sense...at least not in our human language), “GET YUH FUCKING SELF TOGETHER AND GET AWAY FROM HERE! YOU FUCKING EMBARASSMENT!” 

She heard my giggles, looked over and we both started cracking up laughing. Ladene scolded the other patients as if she were a cross between a garrison don area leader, a stern principal, a parent, and God admonishing his children. I don't know who put Ladene in charge of discipline but it was hilarious to me.

That day we became friends.

She moved my chair in the sun right next to hers before I could even give consent. 

Ok! I guess this is where I sit now. Something tells me that this is now my official chair and I will never have to worry about finding somewhere to sit again.

She had me cracking up in tears for the next two days.

She would go from deep philosophical anecdotal stories to descriptively telling me about fights she would get into on the outside, and the stories were hysterical.

Aside from the occasional senseless outbursts and wandering mind, I wondered why she was in a place like this. She gave me the rundown about everyone and how things worked. Told me why everyone was in, what nurses were mean (all except one), which doctors are “idiots,” and how to play the system to get out quickly. She’d been in there for a while.

We became fast friends over the next couple of days, much to the annoyance of the nurses. Apparently our duo had influenced the other patients in a negative way, straying from the compliant sheep-like programming they’d prefer of us. 

Ladene was like a Malcom X meets Nanny of The Maroon, and I was like Dr. King meets Maya Angelo meets Mother Teresa compared to Ladene. When I needed to, I would calmly, peacefully and articulately oppose the ‘system’ of the institution.

Ladene? Oh! she had a different approach.

She would stand on tables, yell, throw things, flip chairs, check the nurses and was always ready to unleash her arsenal of “SUCK YUH MADDA!” in her protests.

“Ladene No!” I’d say repeatedly to try to calm her down. But when she went there, ain't no stopping her.

Her protests/outbursts always ended with her being yanked away in tears by the blue shirt men where she would resurface days later, a fucking mess and weak from the injections. 

Despite us joking and having belly laughs about how on Earth her body was able to withstand so many injections and not die, I was worried about my friend. I wanted her to find smarter ways to protest and be heard without them hurting her.

One day I finally got the courage to ask how she ended up in there, and for the first time I saw her really sad. She tearfully explained to me that she had a mental break from a domestic abuse situation, and by the time she got the part where she was talking about her children, she was weeping.

Apparently her husband had her put in there, after severely abusing her both physically and mentally, and then she finally snapped. She was heartbroken. She never had visitors. No one cared enough to check on her.

That broke my heart.

Now, I’m more certain I have to be there for my friend. I would share everything I got from my visits with her. Split down the middle 50/50, be a voice of reason to try to not let her get in trouble, and make sure she never felt alone. In her mind we bonded over a plot to beat the system, get out, and be friends on the outside.

But deep down I felt a connection to her to make sure she never felt alone and neglected ever again in her life.

Ladene was not ‘crazy.’

(I hate that word).

Ladene was hurt, let down, abused and alone. 

I ended up getting out before Ladene because fortunately I had a support system who stood up to this unjust system inside purgatory to make sure I got out of there. 

The next day I was back as a visitor to see my friend, bring her supplies, and most importantly, just to see her face light up for once at visiting time because she finally had someone coming to see her.

I saw it. Her face lit up like I’ve never seen before.

That was the last time I saw Ladene.

I was kicked out soon after giving her the things I bought for her, and was told that former patients were not allowed to visit current patients as it affects the patients negatively.

Bullshit. 

They were just mad that my folks stood up against them and got me out, and that the “trouble maker” that they wanted to isolate and constantly punish so badly… had a friend in me.

“The trouble maker,” they say… but I saw her stand up to bullies, protect the weaker ones and was always the first to volunteer to help someone. 

I saw her stand up for herself when the nurses would treat her unfairly. Stood up for me numerous times when I didn’t know my rights within those walls. 

I saw her check the doctors about their manipulative psychological approach to diagnose her, which according to her was just a ploy to sell pharmaceutical drugs and keep the hospital full of patients.

I saw her dance and sing in spite of everything, even after numerous injections - more than any patient could humanly possibly still endure, after her bladder and bowels were unable to stand up to the strength of the drug in them needles.

I saw her unafraid of the consequences of standing up for what she believed was right. I saw her give me hope every single day when I struggled to find it within myself and find reasons to live. She kept me laughing and focused. 

I exhausted every resource I could to try to find my friend for months and was unsuccessful. I didn't even know her last name.

I think very often about the reason for meeting her. Though I'm grateful, I don't want to think selfishly that the only reason for meeting her was for her to impact my life positively, but I hope I had impacted hers. 

I’m constantly haunted by how much I wish I could do for her and how badly I wish I could find her. I’m comforted by the light on her face that last time I saw her, that at least that day–if it was even for that day alone–she knew she had someone there for her. 

“Yuh must learn how to turn a negative into a positive” are words I still live by today. 

Thank you.

I hope you are still turning your negatives into positives, and I hope one day we meet again, my friend Ladene.