RIGHT NOW

I do not love myself right now.

There. Whew. I finally said it out loud so now the real work can begin.

There. Whew. I finally said it out loud so now the real work can begin.

That was extremely difficult admitting to myself. 

It’s embarrassing and I’m ashamed. My whole vibe is constructed on the firm foundation of confidence, knowledge of self, real genuine self esteem, and self empowerment. And granted, none of this has ever been fraudulent or disingenuous, but something happened along the way that I felt broke me. 

While avoiding all mirrors in my apartment, listening to my own music, watching my videos and looking at my photos; I have started doing some real self discovery of who I was, how I became that, who I am currently and how I got here. Confidence was something I owned at a very young age and nurtured that innate rich heritage of knowledge of self that is in my DNA, and made it blossom into the unconquerable and empowering being that my public platform showcases. 

Being a poor, skinny, dark skinned girl growing up in a culture plagued by colorism and body image constructs, I realized early on that there were two ways out of this. I either was going to conform to these ideals by adjusting my identity and self image, or I was going to be tough as nails, love myself and all my uniqueness and combat these damaging stereotypical nuances with true self love and confidence. I chose the latter. 

Every joke or insult that exists about being slender and dark skinned, I’ve heard them. And if you know Jamaica, ruthless and descriptive body shaming insults are our go to. Nothing wreaks havoc on a child  like having your self esteem being obliterated while you’re trying to figure out who you are.

In my culture, asserting yourself as confident when they feel you don’t quite have the attributes of how they deem a confident person should be, means you’re really asking for the onslaught of the whole artillery. For example, a self assertive, confident, dark skinned child didn’t get the same acceptance as a child of a lighter shade with the same assertion. Nope. 

So my strategy was, I was not only going to love the way I looked on the outside and walk with my head high in every room I’m in, I was going to be brilliant and exceptional at everything. So, if people were going to try to break me for my appearances or my impoverished background; my accolades, brilliance and talents would put them to shame. 

And that I did. I was an overachiever all my life. Never deterred by difficulties or temporary losses because I would always win at everything eventually because that guaranteed my place in society.

I wasn’t exactly from a family who prioritized instilling that level of confidence either, because attending to more urgent needs were more important given the economical challenges of a poor family in a third world country; like providing food, safety, shelter, and an opportunity to be educated. And my parents did a phenomenal job at these parts with the very little resources they had. We were taken care of in that regard. So most of the work with self assertiveness was my responsibility.

I was  quick witted with the confidence too, and was always ready with my expansive vocabulary to flex my brilliance through insults in my defense. Worked every time. So with all those things, I created my own little impenetrable safety bubble around me. Little to nothing affected my confidence. Because I always had my achievements and talents to make me feel special, deserving and exceptional. 

Transitioning into adulthood from my teenage years, the road became more difficult. Society constantly challenging my idea of self and individuality, and stepping away from organized religion to discover my own beliefs and spirituality on my own did not make that journey any easier. 

Everywhere I went and every aspect of my life, my identity and self awareness was challenged. However, I wasn’t deterred, I became extremely aggressive in standing my ground on who I was, who I was becoming and my place in society. I became ferocious, fierce and unapologetic with it. 

Got through college and now dating is a thing, and here comes another layer to this challenge I was yet to deal with. Men. And boy was I in for it. In my naive little brain, any man would be lucky to have a woman that’s confident, beautiful on the inside and out, self aware, self reliant, strong, and real. 

But my first heartbreak was really shedding that naivety and realizing those things worked against women of that nature. I soon realized those things were a novelty, a fetish, and eventually a deterrent. Of all the challenges and struggles I had to go through all my life to establish my confidence in the world, none of them combined could compare to the challenges I faced with men. 

It was almost like, after they got past what I looked like and realized, “Oh damn! This is not pretense, she’s really like this. She’s not some insecure girl begging for validation”, two things started happening: they either decided to try to break me, or they were repulsed. And unfortunately I fell in love with two who decided I needed to be taught a lesson, so they tried to break me. 

You know, it’s easy to see an aggressive woman and call her bitter, angry and a misandrist without understanding how she got there. I am not by any means claiming any of those things because I am not that, but I empathize with women who’ve gone through the process of having men try to break them. 

The emotional abuse, the psychological abuse. It’s diabolical and traumatizing. So much so that even when you walk away victorious like I have, the scars of these battles can last a lifetime. 

Love, I thought, was a safe space to be vulnerable. The only safe place I’ve ever trusted in my life and for the first time. I never needed to be as aggressive, I never needed all my armors and swords to protect my inner self and my confidence, because why would someone who loves me do to me what the unsafe world was already doing to me?

What was there to gain from doing that? I was harmless. 

I will never understand a human’s need to seek control over another human being through brokenness, insecurity and pain. Is it because when people are at their worst self they’re easier to manipulate into being submissive? And what’s this obsession with controlling women? I never knew that was a thing. I grew up with parents in a healthy marriage where it was safe for each of them to be individuals in their union, love each other healthily and no one controlled anyone. 

I found myself having to adjust how I stand up for myself in these relationships, even when I was in the right, just to make the other person feel more secure. I found myself minimizing myself to appease my partners’ insecurities. I found myself starting to adjust to a man’s idea of what and how a woman was supposed to be.

I heard the same mouth that told me how beautiful I was (not that I needed the validation from others) tell me things like “You have the framework for a nice body,” “Why would you wear that? Your bones are protruding.” Jokingly asking about entering a beauty pageant (which I did eventually entered by the way for this very response and was first runner up,) and was told annoyingly, “C’mon, you know you’re not that kind of beauty.”

I watched my assertiveness and firmness that was lauded in the beginning for standing up for myself in the world, used against me in the form of gaslighting, to deflect accountability when said partner was in the wrong. 

I watched different parts of my self esteem slowly and progressively being picked away and attacked. I realized that not only in romantic relationships were men like this, but to a lesser extent, most men in positions of power that I encountered, had that same approach of breaking me because of how I asserted myself in fighting for my position in the world. 

I realized these people were out to break me and gathered all of who I am and walked away from these destructive abusive situations. I armored up like I had never before, and was even more savage in my approach to occupy my space of individuality, confidence, and freedom in this world. But beneath my armors, I had some wounds from my right of passage in the form of shedding my naivety of how the world treats someone like me. 

The thing about prolonged mental and emotional abuse, no matter how strong you are and how many battles you’ve won with it, is that it wears on you after a while. Being abused emotionally in your most vulnerable state will definitely leave damage and trauma. 

And now I’m here, at the phase of life. Feeling semblances of brokenness and my self esteem, for the first time in my life, feels tainted to the point where I’m not in love with myself at the moment. 

While this phase is going on currently, and is very riveting and presenting new challenges in my human existence, I am grateful for the lessons I’m afforded from this. 

I am now on this new discovery of gently loving myself. You see, I was embarrassed that I spent all my life cementing and preaching this impenetrable confidence and winning at it, but  let something as trivial as “love” somewhat destroy that and have me questioning myself. I was ashamed that I let the one relationship in the world that was unbreakable bedestroyed by other people. And that was the relationship with myself. 

But that wasn’t the case, It wasn’t love that got me here and there is nothing trivial or embarrassing about hurting. My pain is valid. It was relentless emotional abuse in my most vulnerable state that caused my pain. It was horrible abusive people who are also victims themselves who caused my pain. And nothing about that is trivial. 

If anything right now, I’m discovering beauty and true self love is being human. In hurting. In self discovery after brokenness. And understanding that self love is not a destination but a constant work in progress. And that’s beautiful and lovable too. 

Self love is not about being unconquerable, impenetrable and tough all the time. Self love to me is understanding how to be human, falling in love with that and being confident in that.